This weekend was a pretty spectacular time for art, in that it felt so liberating and free, even as I struggled with a bunch of issues lol... I think you could call it... the feeling of being able to learn again. A good feeling! It has been so long since I have felt that with art again.

I wanted to do a car illustration for some time, so that's what this piece started as...but eventually, my poor beloved got shoved more and more into a corner. I'll do another illustration after this giving it more love, I'm certain.

Some sketches across the last few days. A lot of studying, and a lot of freehanded faces. I disliked the way I draw faces for a long time, but I think there are aspects of it that are very genuine to my own voice as an artist, so I want to be careful with how much I evolve that. I've always felt that the eyes are not expressive enough, or that the mouths are oddly placed. And yet when I try to adjust it, it just doesn't feel right either haha...there is a certain wonkiness I want in my faces, I guess.

I'd like to eventually create a separate sketchbook section of my website. Perhaps in the gallery -- more to come on that later though, once I have time to build. Maybe even its own website, we'll have to see.

02.14.2022

No matter how much I try to run from the manifestation of my torment (art, yeah, it's going to be a dramatic one), I'm always compelled to return.

I'm sure many artists, both present and throughout time, have felt a similar sentiment. To create something from practically nothing...it sucks! It sucks big time! To knowingly perform in front of an audience, whether good or bad -- it sucks! It feels like killing pieces of yourself day after day.

And yet when even when unobserved, when left to my own devices I come crawling back every time, seeking something I can barely even describe or make tangible.

This is the feeling of art which drives me at the end of the day. No matter how much I try to alienate myself from it, I find myself once again, putting pen to paper, my foolish self the battleground of an idiotic battle of my lifetime between body and mind.

The longest I have ever gone without drawing...boy, I would say at least a month or so. But I have only tried perhaps twice or thrice in my life, to stop drawing for an extended period of time. And each time, within a little over a month, I find myself urged and compelled to return.

I had stopped drawing after the start of 2022 because I felt angry and frustrated with the state of myself as an artist. I had grown weary of acting like some kind of performer. I felt I had lost my sense of self. And so, I had closed myself off from that which frustrated me.

I had been dancing on the fence for a few days now (eventually, I am always compelled back in some way or another) when I stumbled upon an interivew-documentary of Naoki Urasawa, where he was analyzing his own process on Billy Bat. I've only ever read Mr. Urasawa's Pluto (a manga I will have to write a proper love letter to eventually), but it had really struck me at the time. It wasn't long before I found myself binging the whole of Billy Bat...and...man. Another manga I'll have to write a love letter to on this site eventually, but what a perfect time to have encountered this work.

There's this quote that had been popularly thrown around, "Comics will break your heart". And yeah, they will! Whether it is the act of creating, suffering, and dying by them, or through the act of reading...A well-crafted comic always reminds me why I am compelled to create. After all, sequential art was the first medium I was truly drawn to. It seems that even after all these years, I'm still obsessed.

This journal has become more of a ramble and less of a journal, but I want to write these thoughts down while they're still fresh, and while I am still glaring down at my tablet screen with the grimness of some kind of idiot walking to his own execution. I've always jokingly said art was painful, but I think this is one of the few times I've lucidly told myself, "I legitimately hate making art". Because, to use a hackneyed expression, love and hate are two sides of the same coin, and for many years I often foolishly felt that I had to lie to everyone and myself that I loved it more than anything. But no. When it comes down to being true to my feelings, no matter my love towards it, I will also detest it all the same. And maybe somewhere in between, on the thin edge of that love and hate, is something that drives me to keep coming back.

02.10.2022

The saga is actually presumably over after this, barring any sudden rapid physical declines: For those joining, I had been nursing a rather nasty, seemingly out-of-the-blue foot injury for the last few days. This seemed to be a natural inevitability; I had been in the process of moving and helping others move for the last month, on top of continuing my usual rock climbing regimen.

Things had gotten quite bad, but I also recognized my posture was not much better: I am a champion sloucher, contortionist-in-chairs, stomper-not-walker. In hindsight, I only have myself to blame, but I wondered, how did things get this bad? A numb back, a sore leg -- all on one side of my body, while the other half remained mercifully untouched. It had gotten so bad that I had gone through the gauntlet all week of purchasing a new (and much needed) ergonomic office chair, new insoles, new indoor sandals with better arch support, trying different shoes to no avail, doing stretches, doing yoga (poorly), rolling my back, taking a hot bath, getting a grueling massage, getting a foot rest for my desk, blaming my age and the march of time...the list goes on.

And things were looking up (just a little, as the feeling of "taking control of my fate" gave me a little reassurance for change), but none of these ultimately explained the cause for my sudden onset of pain, which seemed to only exacerbate my woes. Psychologically, sure, but I like to imagine it manifested itself physically too.

It was not until dinner last night, when I was sitting among company I do not typically find myself with (a family member, their partner, and their mutual friend) when the conversation came to one of our party members forgetting their wallet back in their car. The explanation as follows boiled down to this:

1. Said person usually carried their wallet in their back pocket, never taking it out.
2. Said mutual friend had recommended they stop doing that, as sitting on their wallet would cause a lot of bodily issues.
3. The rest of us would just pay for the meal and receive a transferring of money later.

It is the first two points that nearly made me slap myself on the spot.

Add to the list of my faults of character: I am, guiltily, a wallet-in-back-pocket adherent.

And this normally wasn't much an issue, because normally I was in the habit of moving my wallet to a side compartment or a bag when sitting...except recently, during the move, where things had been so hectic, I had just stopped carrying an extra bag with me, or had gotten into the habit of slamming myself into my car seat without worrying about my wallet before driving off with a new load of boxes.

And I knew this was an issue, for it was always an annoyance (a literal pain in the ass if you will), but I had always ignored it.

But it was in that moment, I felt a certain relief in my body. I now, though quite foolishly, recognized the nature of my enemy. And now, though my body still aches with the slow march of recovery, there is a certain lightness to my step, and far less dread towards what had been quite a miserable week.

What a goddamned way to start February.

- 02.05.22

...is doing musical chairs at the local office store and finally bringing home the new office chair... Proper lumbar support! I haven't had that for at least three years now, what a relief. Moral: Probably go chair shopping sooner.

Maybe I can get back to doing some projects again, now that sitting at my table doesn't send my body into fight or flight mode. I am incidentally reminded of that one 30 Rock episode "Murphy Brown Lied to Us"...Kouchtown...

- 02.03.2022

...is realizing just how bad your office chair situation has gotten, and then sadly spending hours refraining from bursting into tears of pain and general agony while trying to shop for a new chair online. Get me outta here (this chair and shopping hell)!!

- 02.02.2022

Man, oh man. Guess it really has almost been three months since I started doing this site "seriously", and about a month since I stopped posting on social media.

What's happened in the interim?

Started making pixel drawings again.

This is the big one. Making pixels for this site has made art and the act of creating things fun for me again. Sure, maybe it's how quickly I can pump these guys out, but the mentality behind being able to use the images for this site feels great. I also do not feel obligated to fit into a certain "aesthetic" other than one of my own. Liberating.

Didn't make a single illustration

Another big one. I had been feeling guilty about this, but about a few weeks after that thought, I was able to internalize...illustrations weren't making me happy. And perhaps, my art style was making me a little unhappy too. The jury is still out as to what I plan to do with this facet of myself, but I'm happy to continue taking a break from my usual work for the rest of this year, so far.

Discovered a lot of fascinating personal websites

So many!

Read. Did so much reading...

...online for the most part. Read some essays. Read some critical essays. Read some comics I liked. Read some old books I liked, and some sequels to old books I was interested in.

Most notably, I've been taking some time to read a lot of interesting articles from actual human beings about their own thoughts and feelings on a variety of subjects. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree -- but I find that my understanding feels a little bit more developed, bit by bit, as I'm able to truly hear from quiet recounts of experiences, rather than sweeping messages often used for grandstanding or algorithms.

Stopped posting on the one social media I was worried I'd have a hard time splitting off from.

I felt guilty about this up until perhaps a week ago.
Now I just feel a little amused I hadn't quit sooner.

Didn't feel stressed about not being online during a very hectic month IRL.

Alright, I felt a little bad, and a little stressed about wanting to update my site...but not nearly as much guilt as I'd feel not posting on social media.

Lightning Round!

• Finally plugged in my MIDI keyboard and started experimenting with some silly music sounds, experimented with some DAWs.
• Did some sketching, began playing around again with my art.
• Cooked a lot. Started eating more healthily/cooking at home. Drank a lot more water.
• Joined a forum and a small web status sharing site.
• Connected with a friend over the subject of the old web.
• Started paying more attention to how much time I spend on my phone.
  
  

(and a little lightning round of all images created for the site thus far!)

It's been a good three months. Let's see what the next three hold!

- 02.01.2022